April 7, 2020 - The Informed River Chums News Service - KD Frederick
First, I wish to congratulate Mr. Faust on his meteoric rise to the office of vice president of the River Chums. We all look forward to his inspired leadership.
In a follow-up query to the president’s office I further pursued the topic of River Chums stimulus payments. I was able the reach the President, who was very cordial. I began our conversation by assuring President Trump that the River Chums group could promise him “perfect” results in Sullivan County during the November 2020 election. I also inquired as to the stimulus payment that the River Chums might receive considering the Spring Trip cancellation and the pain and suffering inflicted upon the group’s members. He was thankful for our help in Sullivan County and said he would send a twitter about the stimulus payments to Treasury Secretary Steve Menuchin and that I should contact him immediately. In gratitude I indicated that Vice President Pence’s River Chums membership would be reinstated by 8:00 AM the next day, to which the President replied “fuck him”.
I directly called the Treasury Secretary’s office After introducing myself, Secretary Menuchin indicated he had communicated with the President and they had decided to change the designation of the River Chums club to that of a major corporation and therefore eligible for a forgivable loan of $60 million if used for the betterment of River Chums. Mr. Menuchin said that the cash would be immediately forwarded to the account of River Chums Vice President, Robert I. Faust, to be distributed at his discretion. Good news for despondent River Chums.
The next day I was unable to reach Mr. Faust for comment, although an aide did indicate he was expected to be spending the next 18 months at his new vacation house on an undisclosed Caribbean island. Further questioning revealed that Mr. Faust had decided it was time he retire from his duties as Surgeon General/Vice President of the River Chums to lead a more relaxed life. The aid also told me that he knew nothing about a loan or stimulus money. No contact information for Mr. Faust was available. A call back 3 hours later found Mr Faust’s phone had been disconnected.
