April 3, 2020 -The Robert Faust Headline News Syndicate
Dear River Chums
I just wanted to inform you that I have appointed myself as a Vice President and Surgeon General of the River Chums club. I might quickly add that this will neither add to, nor reduce my dues to the club. Also please keep in mind that being appointed as Surgeon General of the club entitles me to prescribe various alcoholic beverages, tobacco products, and other dangerous drugs to club members. As you can imagine, I will be the very soul of discretion in distributing these items.
I have written a separate memorandum to the White House to inform the president of these matters. Trump had originally intended to appoint Mike Pence as Surgeon General of the River Chums, but I was able to convince him that I could fill that role better than any career politician.
Speaking of Mike Pence, a poll of Indiana voters, where he was the governor, showed that his approval rating was rather low. In accordance with that finding, I called him this morning to tell him that his River Chum’s membership has been revoked, at least temporarily. He seemed to accept this news rather graciously saying that he “really didn’t give a fuck”. I assured him that at this year’s board meeting he could be reconsidered for membership.
One last matter. The government’s stimulus checks will mailed out “shortly”. Our attempts to verify what amount the club could expect have failed. All the government would say is that checks should be mailed out shortly. They would not confirm an amount, or if the club would even receive any amount. I was referred to the Attorney General for further details, but many attempts to call his office failed to have anyone call back.
Sincerely,
R.I Faust Surgeon General/Vice President
