Dear River Chums:
U.S. Government officials today announced that all members of the River Chums organization will be tested for Corona Virus (Covid 19).
Any club members found to have recently returned from China, Italy, or Bechtlesville, Pa. will automatically be quarantined for up to 90 days in a secure storage facility at Hillsgrove, Pa. In the event that any members are tested to be positive for the virus, they will be given enough alcohol to cure them and prevent them from spreading the disease to someone else. In the event that these measures do not work, the club has many other drugs available that can administered.
Officials of the club stated that members need not worry that there are not enough medical supplies, such as masks, gowns, and respirators, as these items have all been recently restocked and located in a sterile location in the closet of the rearmost bedroom of the Ranger Station. However these same officials did raise concerns about the number of beds available.
In a telephone interview today, club officials stated what everyone had been fearing; all events for the rest of 2020 could be cancelled. Rumors that scheduled events would take place in Europe were quickly squashed. The governors of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania communicated by telephone earlier today and they demanded that the River Chums shut down for the next four weeks at least. However club officials said that this is not necessary, and planned to continue as usual.
In the event of a severe shortage of equipment, many members volunteered to make surgical masks and other necessary medical items such as various eye shields and ventilators. Several members stated that they had old motorcycles sitting around at home that could be easily converted into ventilators that could accommodate two or even three sick individuals. Several other members also stated that they owned motorhomes, tents or tarps that, if necessary, could serve as temporary hospital space.
Be Safe,
Dr. Robert Faust, River Chums Surgeon General*
*Mr. Faust received an honorary doctorate from the River Chums for his work with alcohol-related stupor in 2016 when he was also appointed Surgeon General. He has never performed surgery and should not be contacted for medical or any other expertise.
